November 17, 2010

Packaging Whore: Faggy Foods

by Anders Arhoj

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They’re all around you, The Fags. With their pastel-coloured yachts and pink-powered investment banker dating services. They’re also best friends with Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, giving them advice on what to wear and whom to date (they also advise Cher on her live show outfits, but we don’t talk about that).

I belong to the glitter pack as well. And loving that or not, most people try to put us in a box anyway and label it “not suited for children under 21 or wholesome Christian families” and I guess we have ourselves to blame for it. Except that was mostly the gay generation before us. They freaked out and totally tapped the ass out of life back in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s: fighting in political movements, enjoying free liberated sex, enjoying crazy costume techno club parties in London, acting as fashionable shopping friends for straight girls, sporting smart & witty attitudes with a tongue-in-cheek comment for everything, and performing dirty trash drag shows in the old warehouses of Copenhagen.

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But then it all got really boring. The current generation of queens and fags are just plain hetero-fied and have nothing more to fight for. We breed, we have boring dayjobs to sustain our square existence and we live in the suburbs. *Burb*

However, one of the last few pillars of gaytitude is still standing: the all-seeing laser eye of tasteful aesthetics and über-camp packaging. Most of us do still have a very keen opinion on how things look, and I don’t think the fashion-design biz would hold up for very long without the help from the pink priesthood. We know how to WOW.

So in order to reaffirm myself of the still alive gay powers, I went through my cupboard this morning to spot a few items that yell THE FAGS WERE HERE during the concept and design of the product!

Yummy Easter Bunny (US)

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This is just so camp I could cry– which I actually did when receiving this as a present from a friend who went to the US. The innocent eyes, the chubby paws, the day dreaming wabbit in the background. It’s a wonderland! Even the milk is hollow, just like a NYC fashion editor bitch should be. If your heart doesn’t melt looking at this, you’re not gay enough. And for the record, that’s a bad thing.

Pretty ‘n’ Pink (UK)

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An essential item in a homosexual man’s kitchen cupboard. These sugar sprinkles are useful for any occasion, such as brightening up the morning cereal or for adding a festive touch to your chicken/bacon sandwich. And they will always make the food look good, make you laugh and think back to the 1950’s where a woman was supposed to stay in the kitchen and a fag was something you smoked 20 times a day.

Pink Peeps (US)

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This (in)famous American Easter candy was sent to me by fellow Umamimart writer Yoko: fluffy little pink twitty birds coated in powdered sugar. You can even fit them all in your mouth for exercise.

Pop-Tarts Strawberry Milkshake (US)

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I got this from Yoko as well. It’s got *pop* and *tart* in its title and can therefore not be mistaken: this is a homosexual breakfast item. I can only imagine how many American gays wake up in their 100% silk sheets, push last night’s rent boy out of bed and remove their 3-layered beauty mud mask before sitting down at the table in their ocean view kitchen and enjoy a Strawberry Milkshake Pop Tart with a strawberry milkshake on the side for matching colour purposes.

Dronning Mandler (Queen Almonds) (DK)

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Super old school candy from Denmark. Only the old ladies eat it. And the gays, duh. Why? Because it’s pink and got the word ‘queen’ in its name. And because if you lick it hard enough, you reveal the nuts.

Twizzlers Rainbow Twists (US)

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Bought in a cornershop in New York in 2008. Twizzlers should totally sponsor the Prides parades across the globe – it’s the rainbow flag, it looks great on any float and it contains six fab colours (one for each of your drag queen friends when you walk it down the street looking sassy with a twizzle around your dizzle).

Hello Kitty Lollipop (JP)

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Two years ago I attended a Japanese Toy Festival at the Japanese embassy in Copenhagen. At one of the stalls a small Japanese obaa-san (granny) sat and hand-rolled several masterpieces made of warm caramelized sugar. Customers could ask for a specific motif and she would magically roll, throw, bind and colour it up as a lollipop. A boy asked for a football, an old man asked for a boat, and I asked for… Hello Kitty. Which of course made everyone look at the only gay man in the room when handed the sugar cat. I pranced out pretty quickly.

Giant Caplico (JP)

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This was given to me by Yoko as well (she sure knows how to spot a faggy food item, hmmm…). It’s yet another weird excuse for candy from Japan, dried up foam with “strawberry chocolate flavour” mimicking an ice cream cone. On the package, Mr. Ice Cream is tanning his naked cone in the park (gay) or sitting on a bench pretending to read while checking out the male joggers (really gay).

Puchi Choco Usagi (JP)

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Awfully kawaii, these little bunnies in strawberry and chocolate flavour. Bought in a convenience store in Tokyo and kept unopened for four years as this is a packaging masterpiece. It’s the epitome of cuteness and I can only imagine the sales department creating a design like this intended for either Japanese schoolgirls or the gay-but-still-in-the-closet salarymen as a snack for the long trainride home to their 10 square-feet apartment in a suicide-troubled, steel-clad suburb. Hooray!

Puccho gum candies (JP)

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It’s from Japan, it’s for kids and it has a suspicious shape.. what more can I say?


Tubble Gum (FR)

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Er… It’s French, it’s pink and sticky and that tube shape does not make me think of gum… no further comments.

Yamahomo! Fellow faggy rubber-wristed writer of Umamimart, I dare you to do a Faggy Foods: NYC Edition. It’s a Culinary Queen Throw Down!

6 Comments

  • Posted November 17, 2010 at 8:11 am

    I do not agree about the “dronningemandler”. I am a 29 year old heterosexual girl, and I eat them.. :-) Especially because Toms Chocolate put them in a chocolatebar… YUMMY. Pink candy 4 ever..

  • Yoko
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    This is so funny and spot on. I’ll keep this in mind the next time I send you a care package.

  • Posted November 17, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    This is hilarious. You guys really did “tap the ass of life” in the last few decades. And yes, it’s all pretty tame and wholesome now–welcome to ASSimilation!

  • kayoko
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Omg ASSimilation. Good one, Pay.

  • Yamahomo
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Last 2 items should be used together right? Be hold for NYC edition. FAGLICIOUS!!!

  • mika
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Dronning Mandler is my son (3.5yo)’s favorite snack. never knew only old ladies eat….. hummm…. he loves them… actually, i am using as a reward for him when he pees in the toilet, not in the diaper. wonder what this means….

4 Trackbacks

  • […] American sweets in hideous packaging. BINGO! I thought of Anders right away, namely his now-famous Faggy Foods post. Could I do a follow-up? Why, with all this material, I most certainly can! (Sans his signature […]

  • […] to our blog with his food packaging and design-focused musing as Skankynavia (remember Faggy Foods?). He is the designer of our Oakland shop, including the conbini and the newly launched Bottle […]

  • […] secret ramen spots, Yoko mused about weird foods in Japan, Anders updated us about the latest on controversial food packaging, Erin uploaded stunning food photos, Ryohei obsessively battled himself in the kitchen and […]

  • By Looking Back on 10 Years of the Umami Mart Blog on February 27, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    […] group of 20-somethings, spanning continents, sharing stories about diarrhea-inducing fish, Faggy Foods, Barbie Doll cake recipes, subpar visits to the Maid Cafe, and much, much […]

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